Something occurred to me. A realization that creeped up on me in the past week. Emotional turmoil is a familiar foe in my life. Not for lack of a good life. I've had a good life. Depression is my own personal natural enemy. I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not happy at all. These things I've told myself for years on end kept me.. part of me, the whole of me, whichever at any given time of my life... kept my spirit in such a dark place. The 'feeling of impending doom' (as my mother would say), was in the back of my heart waiting to take over whenever I felt vulnerable. It knocked me down, immobilized me, tortured me until I broke. I thought I was so weak. I truly believed the world was a better place without me. It has been a struggle I've faced for most of my life.
When I was first hit with Bell's Palsey, I felt like all of the ugliness that I harbored inside was showing itself on my face. Many nights my husband held me as I cried and asked him why this was happening.. the old 'why me'. Karma.. punishment.. maybe a test?
One thing I learned growing up as a Christian is that I need to be grateful for the trials and obstacles put before me in my life. I thought I understood what that meant at the time, but the true meaning was lost in translation.. and lost over time. I believe I understand now what I was being taught. Hmm... can I say it?
Yes..
I'm grateful.
And I'm not sure how to express my love and gratitude for those that prayed for me. That supported me. That loved me when I felt the worst. That helped me see I have something to offer. And that I can get back up after being punched in the face. And I thank God for allowing me to experience this... this wonderful feeling of self-assurance. For carrying me through when I couldn't walk on my own two feet.
Thank you.
Lovely, simplistic, honest, and beautiful....just like you this post was all those things. Your pictures are adorable and fun.
ReplyDeleteI think the lesson being taught was meant for you and if so I believe you have learned a great deal from the Bell's.
(My brother sent this comment me by email after a few failed tries to post it. I want it on this blog so I can come back to it from time to time. I love my brother very much. Thank you Jimmy.)
ReplyDeleteTo my distant but close and very much loved sister:
You are an inspiration to everyone having such bravery to open your life to anyone who will listen, learn, and love you for it. I hope you stick to the truth that God has a plan for you and this is only a reminder to appreciate what you have and share all that you can. Remember that God only helps those who help themselves and follow his example. To me this means we should try to forget our self loathing, sorrows, and pride so that we can concentrate on those around us who need our help and love. When we can accomplish this difficult task we will see his true gifts. If we spend time fretting about ourselves then we are not giving to others as much as we should.
You are a BEUTIFUL person to me, no matter what!
Love you!
Jimmy