Something occurred to me. A realization that creeped up on me in the past week. Emotional turmoil is a familiar foe in my life. Not for lack of a good life. I've had a good life. Depression is my own personal natural enemy. I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not happy at all. These things I've told myself for years on end kept me.. part of me, the whole of me, whichever at any given time of my life... kept my spirit in such a dark place. The 'feeling of impending doom' (as my mother would say), was in the back of my heart waiting to take over whenever I felt vulnerable. It knocked me down, immobilized me, tortured me until I broke. I thought I was so weak. I truly believed the world was a better place without me. It has been a struggle I've faced for most of my life.
When I was first hit with Bell's Palsey, I felt like all of the ugliness that I harbored inside was showing itself on my face. Many nights my husband held me as I cried and asked him why this was happening.. the old 'why me'. Karma.. punishment.. maybe a test?
One thing I learned growing up as a Christian is that I need to be grateful for the trials and obstacles put before me in my life. I thought I understood what that meant at the time, but the true meaning was lost in translation.. and lost over time. I believe I understand now what I was being taught. Hmm... can I say it?
Yes..
I'm grateful.
And I'm not sure how to express my love and gratitude for those that prayed for me. That supported me. That loved me when I felt the worst. That helped me see I have something to offer. And that I can get back up after being punched in the face. And I thank God for allowing me to experience this... this wonderful feeling of self-assurance. For carrying me through when I couldn't walk on my own two feet.
Thank you.