Weebles Wobble

Something occurred to me. A realization that creeped up on me in the past week. Emotional turmoil is a familiar foe in my life. Not for lack of a good life. I've had a good life. Depression is my own personal natural enemy. I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not happy at all. These things I've told myself for years on end kept me.. part of me, the whole of me, whichever at any given time of my life... kept my spirit in such a dark place. The 'feeling of impending doom' (as my mother would say), was in the back of my heart waiting to take over whenever I felt vulnerable. It knocked me down, immobilized me, tortured me until I broke. I thought I was so weak. I truly believed the world was a better place without me. It has been a struggle I've faced for most of my life.

When I was first hit with Bell's Palsey, I felt like all of the ugliness that I harbored inside was showing itself on my face. Many nights my husband held me as I cried and asked him why this was happening.. the old 'why me'. Karma.. punishment.. maybe a test?

One thing I learned growing up as a Christian is that I need to be grateful for the trials and obstacles put before me in my life. I thought I understood what that meant at the time, but the true meaning was lost in translation.. and lost over time. I believe I understand now what I was being taught. Hmm... can I say it?

Yes..

I'm grateful.

And I'm not sure how to express my love and gratitude for those that prayed for me. That supported me. That loved me when I felt the worst. That helped me see I have something to offer. And that I can get back up after being punched in the face. And I thank God for allowing me to experience this... this wonderful feeling of self-assurance. For carrying me through when I couldn't walk on my own two feet.

Thank you.

Picasso

What is a face, really? Its own photo? Its make-up? Or is it a face as painted by such or such painter? That which is in front? Inside? Behind? And the rest? Doesn't everyone look at himself in his own particular way? Deformations simply do not exist.

- Pablo Picasso

I believe progress is the result of positive thinking, love and support. It's time to do my part.

Step 2: Gettin' out of the Bag.

I can do this.

July 27, 2011
The day after.

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August 9

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August 12

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Can you see me?

Not exactly aesthetically pleasing. Not really anywhere close. The thought of my face being on display brings my heart full stop to my gut. But I don't want to be ashamed anymore. And I don't have the luxury of my own vanity. I figure if there is nothing to lose, there is no reason to be ashamed. I am loved. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

I have learned that the act of smiling is so much more important than how I look when I'm doing it. It's good for my heart... as well as for my family's. There's a new appreciation I have for smiling. I intend to do much more of it.

The pain is fierce. The sharp pains going from the base of my neck to my skull are dreadful. Loud noise is piercing to my ear.. and leaves an undesirable ache. Loratabs don't work. Ear plugs make my head throb. Time hasn't done the trick.

When all else fails... prayer is enough. I can do that. I can pray.

The Bag

Wednesday, July 27, 2011... the day my face fell apart. Though some of the effects came on gradually over the course of a few days, the paralysis was sudden and alarming. Within a few short hours, my left eye, my tongue, and my ear went numb. In the mirror, I could see the left corner of my mouth fall. My left eye was hard to see out of and even more difficult to close. Since I was home alone with my one-year old son, I was nervous I could be having a stroke. Gladly, he was taking a nap in his room. My ear was throbbing.. I was getting dizzy.

Web MD said as long as I get treatment within three hours, I'll be alright. My dad came over right away to stay with Collin and my husband rushed home from work to take me to the Hospital. It seemed like I was in a dream. They said Bell's Palsey was the culprit. Thank God it wasn't a stroke. Thank God it wasn't life threatening. Thank God it's only Bell's Palsey.

The truth is, I don't feel thankful. I feel miserable. Something took my face away. Something made sure I could not smile at my son and my husband. Or taste my favorite ice cream. The pain is unbearable at times. The embarrassment is overwhelming.

I'm supposed to be thankful, right? I should go on living my life with dignity and grace. Otherwise I'm shallow and a hypocrite.

Yesterday, I was told by a very close friend to try to view this as a lesson that will benefit myself and possibly others the rest of my life. I wish I knew how.

I could hide under a rock with a bag over my head. But I'm sure I have something to say about this. Maybe someone will hear me and tell me they understand. Maybe I can help someone. I don't know.. maybe the only person this will help is me. God has not revealed to me any secrets. This is in His hands. I can only wait.

I will not hide under a rock with a bag over my head... not the entire time. But for now, I'm holding on to the bag.